“I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted. Where is he?” ~Kristen Davis on Sex in the City
Never really thought about it? Well, yes there are definitely people who are just that, addicted to dating. So, how can one be addicted to dating and how would you even know if you are?
Dating addiction happens quite subtly. Nowadays we have so much going on, we are busier than ever that we are simply lacking quality efforts in pursuing a relationship. Frankly, we just are not thinking sufficiently about our relationship future to make good solid choices on who we are actually going out with. We believe we just have to get that date first and the rest will come and it will figure itself out. Some of us are dating more than ever! Somewhere along the way, we got the message that we should be dating and dating often to find a good, compatible relationship and we took this and ran with it. We are dating up a storm, but is not the point of dating to eventually find a mate with which to settle down? That’s what I thought. But, I do believe for some, that end result is seems so elusive, that they are just not motivated to think that far and thus have not made quality choices for their dates. So they date and they date and they begin to live a culture of dating. It becomes what they do, they date! They start making comments like “at least I am enjoying being wined and dined”. Some have sex in this time period as well and about 3 months in or so, it fizzles out and they are back to repeating the cycle again but with a new person. They say to themselves that at least they are out there trying. But are they really trying? If their only criteria for going on a date is that he a. asked, b. is presentable and c. they are trying, then where is the effort?
While I am the first to agree that one should date as much as you need to, to find that good match, I also believe that you should practice smart, effective, dating. Taking the time to clarify to yourself exactly what you need by getting rid of unrealistic expectations, cutting out silly demands and having effective questions ready to ask that date, so you are given the substance you need to pursue further or keep it moving.
There is also another group of people who are addicted to dating. These are the ones who don’t really want to attach as in become committed to just one person. They simply date till it becomes eminent that they must give something more and then that is their cue to bail out. They love the first stages of meeting and dating and even having someone to do things including sharing times with, but they also love the casualness of not being thoroughly committed to anyone and hence not responsible. That latter part is actually the overriding reasoning for their lack of commitment. So going on perpetual dates is perfect for them. The fun, carefree playfulness of dating that carries with it no solid commitment and responsibility is very addictive to them. You may be tempted to think this group a bit shady, but they may very well be lovely people, who dates with them are wonderful and fun. They could treat you very well and picking up the tab, not a problem. Such behavior could be very confusing, unless you ask the pertinent questions to see exactly where their mindset is. Ask the questions more than once and vary it. The one thing you can believe in this situation is that, if it is too good to be true it could very well be, and if it is a responsible relationship you are looking for then you are looking at an illusion.
So, do you see yourself in any of these descriptions? Have you come across any of these? Are you ready to settle down, but are living a dating addiction life? As you can see, this is a real thing that may not have been given a name, but we know this syndrome, we may even live it. The notion that we don’t have to do work to find a mate, that he/she will find us or if he is the one God will show you, is at the very least naive. Endless dating could actually promote relationship disillusionment. It’s time to take back control of your life and stop leaving it up to the chance of a date.
Peace & Light
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