Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. ~Mahatma Gandhi
So, I have debated if I should write about this. I think mostly, because I had not totally sorted it out in my mind. As I have said before, I am a thinker, and for me, that means I must think out experiences to find the lesson/s in them. I believe there is always a lesson, if not two or three. I do not just gloss over things and say oh well, or pretend like it did not happen. I used to have more of a propensity to obsess, if anything, over a situation. Thank goodness I left that trait behind a few years ago. Now, my mental revisions over a situation, is done to find the lesson. I have abandoned the notion that I make mistakes, and instead embraced the fact that situations that do not turn out the way I thought, are much needed life lessons.
Several months ago, I made a decision that I knew deep within my soul was not going to turn out with the expectations I had set. First of all, my immediate misstep was setting expectations and secondly was ignoring my spirit. Anyway, I forged on and had the nerve to employ the “if you believe it, it can come true” wisdom. Duh! First lesson learned, ignore spirit, prepare for major life lesson. Even though I experienced a temporary measure of what I believed to be happiness, spirit kept nagging at me and reminding me how this was affecting my creativity. Duh! Second lesson learned, ignore spirit, stifle creativity. Now, this is how dangerous fear can be. I immediately saw opposition to my values AND if I am honest, I did not see how going through with this was going to make my long term goals a reality. It didn’t matter, my immediate wants blinded me to this fact and even made me believe that gray areas of life are just waiting to be turned gleamingly white, and only need hard work and determination. Duh! Third lesson learned, gray areas are meant for reflection to learn if you should stop your pursuit all together, just as much as if you should go full speed ahead.
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. ~Robert Frost
Well, it should come as no surprise that conflict arose, time and time again. Dissatisfaction set in, and ultimately sadness started replacing the aforementioned happiness. I immediately realized that I could not fool myself nor trick myself or force myself into going against my own grain, by choosing to be part of a situation that I, myself knew was not good for me. No amount of wishing and hoping and praying was going to make this right. Not even telling myself that I deserved this, and why can’t I be happy, I am not a bad person, was going to make it work. Now, I was at a crossroad. My personality of not wanting to give up on anything, and my newly adopted attitude, that being, every situation can, if worked on hard enough produce positive results, had me torn. At least I thought I was torn. What was closer to the truth, is I just did not want to believe I could have allowed myself to get so deep into that situation, and with all my hard work, had still wasted my time. Oh no, not that! I pride myself on being someone who is a “measure twice cut once” person, so to think that I wasted several months in this situation, gave me even more resolve to want a happy ending. Duh! Fourth lesson learned, deserving in life is really (de) serving life. In other words, deserving does not serve any purpose in life. As I wrote about in a previous post I Deserve, what we accept is what we get.
However, fear not for me, assuming you are fearing. In addition to the lessons mentioned, I still continue to find smaller lessons, and much like easter eggs found in cool computer applications, they pop up when least expected. Most of all, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. You see, I went from dreaming about having it, to deceiving myself about it, to believing I needed it, to punishing myself because of it, and finally forgiving myself for it. While I have moved on from it, it still remains a pivotal lesson/event in my life. It revealed to me, just how dangerous fear can be. MY joy comes in when I think heck, I survived it. I not only survived, I feel I am thriving. I now see myself that much clearer. While before it was just a theory, essentially a speculation of how I believed I would act in that situation, now I know exactly how I will act, and I know that under no circumstances must I ever entertain being in a situation like that again. I gained the wisdom I was meant to gain, and I garnered more strength in self as well. However, to do this again will no longer be a true learning experience, but more of an exercise in futility and may even reveal a possibility that self-love is challenged.
Lastly, whatever is going on in your life that would make you “go against your grain”, face it head on. Anytime you find yourself making an excuse for why you must have this, or should do that, it is a great indication that you should leave it alone and simply stay. The easiest way to live life is to let it unfold. Planning it and devising it, usually ends up causing us much strife. While we may learn a lesson, we can easily loose quite a bit, the biggest of which is ourselves.
Peace & Light
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