Recently, I was part of a discussion where a young man wanted me to believe that men lying to women was for the woman’s own good AND because they care about them!!! I could hardly believe what I was reading and thought surely there is a punch line coming soon. A ha ha gotcha was sure to follow, right? Wrong, he was completely serious. So, basically he wanted me to believe that men, because they care so much about women especially their emotional well being, will tell them lies. Big lies, small lies, white lies any lies after all it is for our own good because they so care about us. Bull$hit!
First of all I want to make it clear I am not insinuating that we can become these paragons of virtue and never tell any lies again for as long as we live and this is not directed to only men but women as well. I am talking about people who tell lies for the purpose of forwarding their own personal agenda. Believe me, lies told in intimate, trusted relationships cannot and will never be about protecting the affected party. The very notion that a lie can promote trust and love is ludicrous! So, it can safely be assumed that the lying party is not interested in promoting the relationship. As a matter of fact it could very well be that they have no real interest in the relationship. Again, I am not talking about telling your mate you didn’t drink out of the milk carton when you did. I am talking about, just so we are clear, lying about major agreed upon expectations in the relationship. Things like cheating, debt, money, etc. are areas which we expect to give and get honesty. These areas are crucial to our mental, emotional and even physical well being and thus we have a right to expect honesty.
So why is lying so detrimental to a relationship? In my personal view, nothing is more soul ruining, heart hardening and character obliterating than lies. You may think that telling lies is not a big deal and really as they say what you don’t know what hurt you, but you would be very wrong. Lies not only effect the receiving party by shattering their trust, causing mass confusion and even effecting their self-esteem, but it also affects the liar as well. In the beginning liars will typically feel guilt and that can very well lead to stress and the liar condemning themselves for their act. They may even succumb to depressive states. You see, when you lie to someone the bigger lie is really to yourself. For most, they recognize this and it becomes a vicious cycle that at some point torments them and they long to get out. Depending on how intricate the lie is, that may not be easy. Lies have nothing to do with protecting and caring about anyone but the liar. It is more synonymous with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. They portray themselves in disingenuous ways and tell you things they have no intention of doing to solicit positive and genuine feelings from unsuspecting you. Now isn’t that funny, they tell lies to get truths when in fact since they told a lie what they are getting back is in fact a lie. It is an impression given based on what never was. Wrap your mind around that for a minute.
Harden not your hearts…. Hebrews 3:8
Now, for some they manage to get past this feeling after they perpetrate repeated acts of lying and now they have developed a so what attitude. They now rationalize their lying by saying well everyone lies and its all a game. Better to get them before they get me. At this point there is a definite hardening of the heart and a damaging of the conscience. There is also major effects on your spirit. Many of us grew up learning that lying is a sin and we still no matter what religion we follow even if we don’t ascribe to a particular religion, believe lying is spiritually wrong and is not pleasing to God. So, if you live a life of repeated lying, you are in fact stripping your conscience, depleting your spirit and whether you are aware of it on that level or not, I guarantee you, you FEEL it. Your soul becomes cumbersome and restless, you long for release. This stage of lying can see many turning to lives of crimes against humanity and such, because they start to believe their own lies and the false bravado that it seemingly gives them. They feel they are justified and have nothing to loose, a veritable loose cannon.
Whether one admits to this degradation of character or not, we can almost always assume that this struggle does in fact happen within. When you love and care about someone, the natural instinct is to want to protect them. You want them to believe in you and trust you. So how could lying promote that when it is the very opposite of that. Liars are disillusioned at the very least. Believing that tricking someone into believing something they make up is an acceptable way of ascertaining feelings, money, love, etc. In the end the biggest victim of a liar is in fact the liar.